I’m unsure which path to take, because my life is presently hinged upon so many others. I feel like a swinging door, just waiting for things to settle back down again. I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I was a big girl and that I could handle it.

Sometimes getting knocked on your ass is a humbling experience, sometimes it is an enlightening one.

I think I need to retreat back to the safety and comfort of the familiar and accept that sometimes, maybe, things don’t happen for a reason. Maybe they just are.


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He came to me in a vision. The first or second day I worked here. A man appeared in the doorway. I was very happy to see him. I was wide awake. This was no dream. Something stirred within me that day. A longing for love.

The brightest eyes I’d ever seen. That’s all I know. That a man will walk through that door someday and my life will change forever. I suppose my life is playing out this way for a reason. I’m here until something changes.

Waitressing at a Japanese restaurant in the middle of nowhere until those bright eyes walk into my life.

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It’s high time I defined what it is that I want in a man. I have spent plenty of time in self-discovery and identifying who I am and what I stand for, now to flesh out what I hope to find….

Great smile

Tall as or taller than me. Must be comfortable if I’m 5’11 or 6′ in heels

Willing to dance without cajoling or being intoxicated. Comfortable in his own skin.

Extremely vast and eclectic taste in music

IQ of at least 130 or greater. As smart as I am or an intellectual peer.

Quick thinker, excellent wit and able to dish it out and take it. I want mental friction! Able to playfully joke and get under my skin

Keeps me in check. If I’m out of line, says so. If I need a verbal smack upside my head, dispense.

Integrity and faith. Christian with a strong moral compass. Able to make decisions under pressure without breaking.

Mr Command Man. From Debi Pearl’s book. Driven, focused, motivated towards his own goals a LEADER in the home who can rely upon me to be a comfort to him in times of difficulty. Sense of self and desires.

Doesn’t have to be a talker, but able to speak, have a vocabulary and carry on intelligent conversation

Wants to travel. Joie de vivre, not materialistic to the point of acquiring debt for appearances. Can live within means.

Embraces not only me and my flaws, but my children and wants to be a positive male influence in their lives.

Healthy and cares for himself, not looking in the mirror 10x/ day narcissist, but not 30lbs overweight and “should do something about it after this pizza n beer”

Not an addict. Speaks my love languages. Able to give and receive love.

I will define more later

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Harold and Estelle

The kindness of a stranger has so deeply impacted my life. In November, when I was on the verge of being homeless, a friend of a friend offered me his home in exchange for cooking and cleaning. We hit it off like gangbusters and are the best of friends. So much so, that we both decided independently yesterday that we are like an old married couple. We communicate well, we have fun together and there’s no sex involved! Funny as it is, it is a functional arrangement. The man pays all the bills and gets the benefits of a woman in the home who is a wife by nature. The physical aspects are simply not present, it’s the most mutually platonic relationship, which works quite well for us. It’s symbiotic. We decided we needed old people names, so he chose Esther, which I changed to Estelle, and I chose Harold for him. Now we share silly jokes about shuffleboard, bingo and bridge. Whose turn it is to pick up the prescriptions and when the grandchildren will be over to teach us how to send text messages.

It is a brutal reminder of what I didn’t have in my marriage. This friendship and inside joke are more fulfilling and I am appreciated more by someone I barely know. I have someone in my life I can call family. Someone who has promised to give me away if I ever got married again.

Now I’m reading a book called “From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire: Developing a Healthy GPS (Guy Picking System)” by Dawn Maslar, MS the first part of the book describes many types of bad relationships, from the Bad Boy to the Savior, I had dealt with most of these flawed relationship scenarios. The one that stuck out right now is the Teflon Don Juan. This man is the master of frustration. He is described as coming on “burning hot, showering you with attention” but the moment he knows you really like him, he disappears. I think I met one of those types recently. Thank goodness I don’t live close and I can lick my wounds in peace. I’m too fragile to try to trust, so I need more time alone.

There are other obvious bad relationship models, but what the book is trying to tell you is that there is a broken part within you that needs to be healed, somewhere your heart has a hole. If you can fix it, you won’t pick the wrong guys anymore. Now to find it…. I think I might need to invest in some spelunking gear.

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I’ve been distracted this month by a very nice friend. Someone who seems genuine and makes me laugh.

I’ve also been let down by two of my friends this month. They make plans and then they flake.

I’m so scared of being let down I can’t let anyone in very far. I’m just scared.

Today I’m spending some time by myself enjoying my kids and avoiding everyone. I’m sick of feeling hurt.

I wonder if these people are just distracting me from my reality or if anyone means well enough that they want to be around long enough to see me through the hard times and gets to be there when I’ve come out the other side.

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I’ll be

Today Edwin McCain’s “I’ll be” came on the radio at work before it got busy and I had to fight back tears. It’s so hard for me to feel right now.

I can’t imagine a man being there for me as a crying shoulder. I have friends and family for that.

Every time I swear off men, a person shows up to throw me off-kilter. I feel like there’s some sort of secret code broadcasted. “Hey, she’s single, let’s talk to her.” Actually, though, even when I was married, people would try to befriend me or chat with me and only when they crossed a line would I realize that their intentions weren’t for friendship.

On my worst days I can’t think of anything besides my feelings. Today is one of those days. Where I just can’t handle it. I’m in a daze and I can’t focus.

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Sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I compromised and gave so much of myself in my marriage. To give your all and be passed up for the pursuit of a teen prostitute hurts. A lot.

To fail at keeping an overweight man who has no “game” interested in you just knocks your self esteem to the floor. I bore his children. I promised forever. How could I not be enough? How could the promise not mean anything?

I now see every man with a wary eye. I realize that being over 30 with two brick loads of baggage and two small kids leaves my hopes for love very slim. I don’t expect anything from anyone besides pretending to care until I give in to them. Then I will be ignored again. To give even a tiny piece of myself, with so simple as a kiss, seems like theft right now. I cannot take it. I don’t want to be so close to someone physically. I don’t believe a man can truly think with the head on their neck.

Maybe there will be a day in my future that I won’t feel this way anymore, but when I change how I feel, when I get better, will the people I attract be any different?

I married the “safe” one. The one who I never had to worry about. The family man. If that kind of person could fail me so incredibly, how can I move forward?

I wish things didn’t hurt so much and I wish someone in this world loved me.

I realize now that even though I may not be the one who did the betraying, maybe I am somehow to blame? Maybe I chose the wrong person. I know I’m not easy to love, maybe I’m unlovable?

It’s high time I work on myself and do what I need to do to improve myself to attract someone of a different caliber.

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