Sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I compromised and gave so much of myself in my marriage. To give your all and be passed up for the pursuit of a teen prostitute hurts. A lot.

To fail at keeping an overweight man who has no “game” interested in you just knocks your self esteem to the floor. I bore his children. I promised forever. How could I not be enough? How could the promise not mean anything?

I now see every man with a wary eye. I realize that being over 30 with two brick loads of baggage and two small kids leaves my hopes for love very slim. I don’t expect anything from anyone besides pretending to care until I give in to them. Then I will be ignored again. To give even a tiny piece of myself, with so simple as a kiss, seems like theft right now. I cannot take it. I don’t want to be so close to someone physically. I don’t believe a man can truly think with the head on their neck.

Maybe there will be a day in my future that I won’t feel this way anymore, but when I change how I feel, when I get better, will the people I attract be any different?

I married the “safe” one. The one who I never had to worry about. The family man. If that kind of person could fail me so incredibly, how can I move forward?

I wish things didn’t hurt so much and I wish someone in this world loved me.

I realize now that even though I may not be the one who did the betraying, maybe I am somehow to blame? Maybe I chose the wrong person. I know I’m not easy to love, maybe I’m unlovable?

It’s high time I work on myself and do what I need to do to improve myself to attract someone of a different caliber.


1 Comment

Filed under relationships

One response to “Trepidation

  1. Focus on God and let him deal with other people. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows your sins and your strengths. He knows all of that and still loves you bigger and wider and stronger than any love you have ever felt. Lean into that and let him lead you. Love you. Praying for you.

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