Sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I compromised and gave so much of myself in my marriage. To give your all and be passed up for the pursuit of a teen prostitute hurts. A lot.
To fail at keeping an overweight man who has no “game” interested in you just knocks your self esteem to the floor. I bore his children. I promised forever. How could I not be enough? How could the promise not mean anything?
I now see every man with a wary eye. I realize that being over 30 with two brick loads of baggage and two small kids leaves my hopes for love very slim. I don’t expect anything from anyone besides pretending to care until I give in to them. Then I will be ignored again. To give even a tiny piece of myself, with so simple as a kiss, seems like theft right now. I cannot take it. I don’t want to be so close to someone physically. I don’t believe a man can truly think with the head on their neck.
Maybe there will be a day in my future that I won’t feel this way anymore, but when I change how I feel, when I get better, will the people I attract be any different?
I married the “safe” one. The one who I never had to worry about. The family man. If that kind of person could fail me so incredibly, how can I move forward?
I wish things didn’t hurt so much and I wish someone in this world loved me.
I realize now that even though I may not be the one who did the betraying, maybe I am somehow to blame? Maybe I chose the wrong person. I know I’m not easy to love, maybe I’m unlovable?
It’s high time I work on myself and do what I need to do to improve myself to attract someone of a different caliber.