Tag Archives: heartbreak

Vision

He came to me in a vision. The first or second day I worked here. A man appeared in the doorway. I was very happy to see him. I was wide awake. This was no dream. Something stirred within me that day. A longing for love.

The brightest eyes I’d ever seen. That’s all I know. That a man will walk through that door someday and my life will change forever. I suppose my life is playing out this way for a reason. I’m here until something changes.

Waitressing at a Japanese restaurant in the middle of nowhere until those bright eyes walk into my life.

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Wanted

It’s high time I defined what it is that I want in a man. I have spent plenty of time in self-discovery and identifying who I am and what I stand for, now to flesh out what I hope to find….

Great smile

Tall as or taller than me. Must be comfortable if I’m 5’11 or 6′ in heels

Willing to dance without cajoling or being intoxicated. Comfortable in his own skin.

Extremely vast and eclectic taste in music

IQ of at least 130 or greater. As smart as I am or an intellectual peer.

Quick thinker, excellent wit and able to dish it out and take it. I want mental friction! Able to playfully joke and get under my skin

Keeps me in check. If I’m out of line, says so. If I need a verbal smack upside my head, dispense.

Integrity and faith. Christian with a strong moral compass. Able to make decisions under pressure without breaking.

Mr Command Man. From Debi Pearl’s book. Driven, focused, motivated towards his own goals a LEADER in the home who can rely upon me to be a comfort to him in times of difficulty. Sense of self and desires.

Doesn’t have to be a talker, but able to speak, have a vocabulary and carry on intelligent conversation

Wants to travel. Joie de vivre, not materialistic to the point of acquiring debt for appearances. Can live within means.

Embraces not only me and my flaws, but my children and wants to be a positive male influence in their lives.

Healthy and cares for himself, not looking in the mirror 10x/ day narcissist, but not 30lbs overweight and “should do something about it after this pizza n beer”

Not an addict. Speaks my love languages. Able to give and receive love.

I will define more later

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Trepidation

Sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I compromised and gave so much of myself in my marriage. To give your all and be passed up for the pursuit of a teen prostitute hurts. A lot.

To fail at keeping an overweight man who has no “game” interested in you just knocks your self esteem to the floor. I bore his children. I promised forever. How could I not be enough? How could the promise not mean anything?

I now see every man with a wary eye. I realize that being over 30 with two brick loads of baggage and two small kids leaves my hopes for love very slim. I don’t expect anything from anyone besides pretending to care until I give in to them. Then I will be ignored again. To give even a tiny piece of myself, with so simple as a kiss, seems like theft right now. I cannot take it. I don’t want to be so close to someone physically. I don’t believe a man can truly think with the head on their neck.

Maybe there will be a day in my future that I won’t feel this way anymore, but when I change how I feel, when I get better, will the people I attract be any different?

I married the “safe” one. The one who I never had to worry about. The family man. If that kind of person could fail me so incredibly, how can I move forward?

I wish things didn’t hurt so much and I wish someone in this world loved me.

I realize now that even though I may not be the one who did the betraying, maybe I am somehow to blame? Maybe I chose the wrong person. I know I’m not easy to love, maybe I’m unlovable?

It’s high time I work on myself and do what I need to do to improve myself to attract someone of a different caliber.

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Tears

I’m sick of crying. Crying is so good for you. It helps release emotions.

Sometimes I feel like each tear is a tiny stitch towards mending my wounded heart. Other days, I feel as if the tears are washing away some of the pain and leave me feeling held.

The nights are hardest, when I’m all alone

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A song

I wrote a song a long time ago. Right now it feels like it was a different lifetime ago.

There was a line, “you’d wanna hold me in your eyes” – and I cannot say when I last held someone in their eyes. But what’s more is when someone last held me in theirs.

I wish I could go back to that child-like innocence and just love purely and deeply and have it be returned.

I wish someone did “learn to know me” as the song said, someone who loved me enough to continue to pursue my heart and my attention despite life trying to get into the way.

I know that I am a prize and that I am worthy of love.

Some day there will be someone out there that sees that within me.

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Discarded

I wish I could wake up and smile.

I wish someone in this world could make me feel special, only to them.

I’m so flawed and messed up right now, but I’ve dreamed of the day that I could be happy with someone for quite some time.

I wish there was a way to be with someone that would make me feel like I was the only girl in the world for them. That I was enough.

I know I’m generous with myself. Generous with affection, attention and admiration for any of the men that have grazed my life.

I wish I could feel love. Could feel intimacy with one person. That moment where your last concern is anything else besides the person in front of you.

I want romance. My version of it, the moments like shared breath and deep eye contact. Moments so personal and revealing. Where your soul lies completely exposed and your legs are entangled like an afterthought.

For now, I wait and continue to feel only pain and betrayal.

To be discarded by a lover is deeply damaging to your self esteem and psyche. To feel like you’re the last priority to a person for years, and then awake one day to learn that you were less meaningful than 1hour and $100, that destroys you inside.

No one can be trusted. No one is worthwhile. Not one thing you can say to me right now is any consolation for how I feel.

To be the mother of the children to someone who treated you as less than the dirt under their shoe, inconceivable. Please spare me your condolences, I have had quite enough, thank you

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