He came to me in a vision. The first or second day I worked here. A man appeared in the doorway. I was very happy to see him. I was wide awake. This was no dream. Something stirred within me that day. A longing for love.
The brightest eyes I’d ever seen. That’s all I know. That a man will walk through that door someday and my life will change forever. I suppose my life is playing out this way for a reason. I’m here until something changes.
Waitressing at a Japanese restaurant in the middle of nowhere until those bright eyes walk into my life.
The kindness of a stranger has so deeply impacted my life. In November, when I was on the verge of being homeless, a friend of a friend offered me his home in exchange for cooking and cleaning. We hit it off like gangbusters and are the best of friends. So much so, that we both decided independently yesterday that we are like an old married couple. We communicate well, we have fun together and there’s no sex involved! Funny as it is, it is a functional arrangement. The man pays all the bills and gets the benefits of a woman in the home who is a wife by nature. The physical aspects are simply not present, it’s the most mutually platonic relationship, which works quite well for us. It’s symbiotic. We decided we needed old people names, so he chose Esther, which I changed to Estelle, and I chose Harold for him. Now we share silly jokes about shuffleboard, bingo and bridge. Whose turn it is to pick up the prescriptions and when the grandchildren will be over to teach us how to send text messages.
It is a brutal reminder of what I didn’t have in my marriage. This friendship and inside joke are more fulfilling and I am appreciated more by someone I barely know. I have someone in my life I can call family. Someone who has promised to give me away if I ever got married again.
Now I’m reading a book called “From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire: Developing a Healthy GPS (Guy Picking System)” by Dawn Maslar, MS the first part of the book describes many types of bad relationships, from the Bad Boy to the Savior, I had dealt with most of these flawed relationship scenarios. The one that stuck out right now is the Teflon Don Juan. This man is the master of frustration. He is described as coming on “burning hot, showering you with attention” but the moment he knows you really like him, he disappears. I think I met one of those types recently. Thank goodness I don’t live close and I can lick my wounds in peace. I’m too fragile to try to trust, so I need more time alone.
There are other obvious bad relationship models, but what the book is trying to tell you is that there is a broken part within you that needs to be healed, somewhere your heart has a hole. If you can fix it, you won’t pick the wrong guys anymore. Now to find it…. I think I might need to invest in some spelunking gear.
I’ve been distracted this month by a very nice friend. Someone who seems genuine and makes me laugh.
I’ve also been let down by two of my friends this month. They make plans and then they flake.
I’m so scared of being let down I can’t let anyone in very far. I’m just scared.
Today I’m spending some time by myself enjoying my kids and avoiding everyone. I’m sick of feeling hurt.
I wonder if these people are just distracting me from my reality or if anyone means well enough that they want to be around long enough to see me through the hard times and gets to be there when I’ve come out the other side.
Today Edwin McCain’s “I’ll be” came on the radio at work before it got busy and I had to fight back tears. It’s so hard for me to feel right now.
I can’t imagine a man being there for me as a crying shoulder. I have friends and family for that.
Every time I swear off men, a person shows up to throw me off-kilter. I feel like there’s some sort of secret code broadcasted. “Hey, she’s single, let’s talk to her.” Actually, though, even when I was married, people would try to befriend me or chat with me and only when they crossed a line would I realize that their intentions weren’t for friendship.
On my worst days I can’t think of anything besides my feelings. Today is one of those days. Where I just can’t handle it. I’m in a daze and I can’t focus.
Sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I compromised and gave so much of myself in my marriage. To give your all and be passed up for the pursuit of a teen prostitute hurts. A lot.
To fail at keeping an overweight man who has no “game” interested in you just knocks your self esteem to the floor. I bore his children. I promised forever. How could I not be enough? How could the promise not mean anything?
I now see every man with a wary eye. I realize that being over 30 with two brick loads of baggage and two small kids leaves my hopes for love very slim. I don’t expect anything from anyone besides pretending to care until I give in to them. Then I will be ignored again. To give even a tiny piece of myself, with so simple as a kiss, seems like theft right now. I cannot take it. I don’t want to be so close to someone physically. I don’t believe a man can truly think with the head on their neck.
Maybe there will be a day in my future that I won’t feel this way anymore, but when I change how I feel, when I get better, will the people I attract be any different?
I married the “safe” one. The one who I never had to worry about. The family man. If that kind of person could fail me so incredibly, how can I move forward?
I wish things didn’t hurt so much and I wish someone in this world loved me.
I realize now that even though I may not be the one who did the betraying, maybe I am somehow to blame? Maybe I chose the wrong person. I know I’m not easy to love, maybe I’m unlovable?
It’s high time I work on myself and do what I need to do to improve myself to attract someone of a different caliber.
I’m sick of crying. Crying is so good for you. It helps release emotions.
Sometimes I feel like each tear is a tiny stitch towards mending my wounded heart. Other days, I feel as if the tears are washing away some of the pain and leave me feeling held.
The nights are hardest, when I’m all alone
Being single again after 7 years with someone is exciting at first, but the excitement wanes.
You realize that being able to date doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in a position to do so or that you’re emotionally available.
I said I would treat this heartbreak like a death, but I craved male attention, so that didn’t work out for my one year plan of not dating.
There’s another problem: men!
Men come out of the woodwork. Men you thought were friends. Men who really were creeps in disguise.
Then there’s the other problem: men want sex. They don’t want to buy you dinner or drinks unless they get what they feel is a return on that investment. Where this entitlement comes from, I don’t know, but the older they get, the more prevalent these expectations become.
What ever happened to companionship or getting to know someone? How about not wanting to hop in the sack with every person you meet?
Do these people ever think about diseases?? Pregnancy?? Yuck!
So for now, I resign myself to hiding myself away until I’m in a place to open my heart. It’s not worth a free drink.